10 Tips to Text Better & Date Happier

There’s a reason a dear friend’s text warms you at first sight. You have a lived-in, many-moons relationship. You know and embrace their quirks, and vice versa. In stark contrast, “Mark Blond Hinge” is, as of yet, nobody to you. Until you do the text-two step. I did.

When I first met my husband, I was predisposed to like him. My silliest pic on a certain flame-inducing app inspired his first message. In the photo, I was reading under a tree. With a question about novels, he led us to share fantasy favorites. With a quick pivot to Chicago’s best parks, he fluidly planned a date. All within hours of hello. Nestled in this anecdote, you’ll find a two-pronged text success blueprint available to all daters:

1. Step One, TEXT TO BOND: get curious about your match, implement what you learn to share and ask deeper questions. Bonds ignite in acts of seeing and being seen.
2. Step Two, TEXT TO DATE PLAN: let the conversation naturally (and relatively quickly) culminate in a date plan.

Great text-daters show they’ve been thinking of you and paying attention:

• Instead of “How was your day?”, go for “How was improv class last night?” or “How was dinner with your college friends?”
• Instead of “What’s your week look like?”, try “Wanna check out that jazz club you mentioned later this week?”

Use specific banter to build context on one another and to move towards a clear date plan. Say hello to richer bonds and more text-to-date momentum with the text two-step.

Don’t send nine Yelp links. Try a ye olden phone call instead. When we hear someone’s voice, we viscerally experience their distinct presence. Voice carries warmth and personality texts could never match. Let’s say the texts are flying quick and easy. Maybe you want their date plan input or have a banter riff idea. Use your voice! And use texts to confirm all calls. Put your spin on this text frame: “Is now or later a good time for a quick phone call?”

A matchmaker friend experienced the phenomenon I call “Death by Pen Pal”–a romance that lives and dies via text. All other matchmaker names in this article have been changed to protect the romantic–so let’s call her Danielle. Danielle reconnected with an old friend, let’s call him Jeremy, for a friends-to-lovers reunion worthy of Hallmark cinema. But, alas, Danielle is a big-time traveler and fell for Jeremy right before she left for an extended international adventure. Since much of their connection had already happened through Messenger, Danielle was hopeful growing from a distance actually could work.

Wrong. Texts grew less frequent, time between them prolonged, and eventually, it felt like a game. With no plan for a Textland offramp and no space to have bigger conversations about their future, Danielle and Jeremy ended. Danielle’s story proves you can’t maintain a primary bond in your life through texting alone, no matter how strong it felt at the start. You must create a lived-in connection, a dynamic only borne from continual time together.

Spare yourself the grief of a bond based on text crumbs alone. Our phones have become our ultimate reason to not escape into the present moment. Let’s reverse the curse. Make texting and our phones the catalyst for moments of presence and shared optimism. Meet up. Face to face. IRL. Often.

Oh, the TL;DR of it all. We’ve all been guilty of the occasional overtext. But if you regularly pepper your new thread with paragraphs, theories, traumas, or deep dives–you’re probably doing too much. Succinct, engaging updates win the day over windbag manifestos. Read the room of the text thread. A gradual increase in text intensity sometimes feels correct as the depth of feeling in a relationship grows. But overtexting may artificially increase intimacy or create energetic drain, killing chemistry. Beware an extended stay in the text talking phase. Scam artists and time wasters thrive in this limbo. Relationships thrive on memories together.

The dream is to co-create a good balance of texts sent and received. A natural volley happens when a text rhythm feels alive on both sides. No one person dominates the chat. For deeper discussions on overtexting, the volley, sending selfies or compliments (sparingly), when to use multiple texts at once, and more, check out “The Dos and Don’ts of Pre & Post Date Texting” episode of The Conscious Matchmaker podcast.

Everyone needs something different in love–and in text. Connect to yourself first. What do you want in early rapport? Daily texts or low contact? Then learn what makes your new partner’s text style special. Don’t set your own style in stone. Text to experiment, text to be direct, text to be playful. Give your date time to know you and yourself space to explore.

When matchmaker “Emily” started texting her future husband, she got herself into a texting pickle. Her story underscores why assuming nothing via text is keyl in early love. After Emily’s first fabulous date with her new connection, let’s call him Sam, the text vibes were phenomenal. Emily then left on a road trip that took her across the desert. She sent Sam a warm, but unclear location update, writing: “I’m in Yuma.” A day passed before Sam replied. During the quiet, Emily drew half-baked conclusions about his noncommunication. “Was my text dumb? He’s done, that’s it. He met someone else. See! He’s not so great after all.”

Emily’s spiral in no way reflected Sam’s reality. Sam’s first thought was “What the hell is Yuma?” He then spent an hour trying to research a reply witty or interesting enough to charm Emily. He failed. A work emergency stole his attention, and he knew they had a phone call scheduled for the next day. The text fizzled from his mind, even as it tortured Emily’s.

In silence and text tone misinterpretations, don’t let assumptions lead the way. Doubt and anxiety can go wild, and the false meanings you concoct might end a promising bond before it starts. Communicate in person and on calls often so your text chain is not your only shared dating space. Lean into consistency over perfection in your banter. ASSUME NOTHING via text.

When matchmaker “Naomi” first met her love, she openly engaged in very low stakes texts with matches to prioritize in person connections. Alas, her more detached style left her future spouse “Henry” at a loss. He was uncertain he was meeting someone interesting or interested. He sent a check in text conveying some concern, and Naomi’s rejoinder was instructive to us all. She didn’t shut down. She didn’t overtext. She shot a short video sharing her enthusiasm to meet him, ending with a cheeky joke and a wink. Inspired Henry upgraded their coffee date to an Italian dinner. The rest is history.

Texting doesn’t always look like words, and it shouldn’t feel like you’ve stopped being yourself. Diversify your playbook with tools like pictures, memes, voice notes (The shorter the better!), songs, gifs, short videos, links to topics of shared interest, and more. Don’t sleep on emojis. They express tone. (They’re not corny. They’re fun.) Be you. Whatever’s true. (Caveat: Punctuation, capitalization, and a dash of extra editing go a long way in early courtship.) Show up genuinely, not as “who you should be” via text. It’s a unique opportunity to be playful and learn more about your own charisma. If they’re not into you based on text alone, they aren’t your match. If they are, you’ll give them the real you to know and love.

Before matchmaker “Valerie” first met her future partner, they almost didn’t meet at all. Her match “Eli” sent an odd text before their date. He wrote: “If neither of us is having a good time, just raise your hand, and we can call it any time.” Valerie’s internal storyteller took over: “He’s not excited for this. He’s not going to be fun.” Luckily Valerie didn’t cancel, because much fun was had and their relationship bloomed. Master communicator Valerie picked an ideal in-person date moment weeks later to mention to Eli why the text felt off. Talking through this brought them closer. But Eli’s desire, however well-intentioned, to use text to manage their date experience highlights a reminder: Don’t use text to control your match vibe–you can’t.

You can’t determine your text date fate. You can’t decide when they text back or with how much effort. You can’t set the script for a live encounter. You can’t predict if you’ll be ghosted. Text is a frame. Attempting to control what happens through that frame makes your match feel like a process, not a person. You can control what, when, and how much you text. Don’t invest in draining texts or overcommit to answering texts instantly. Block rude people. When you feel your inner director or assumer stepping in, channel those thoughts into your next comfortable live dialogue instead.

Playing it cool isn’t cool via text. The dusty phrase “I don’t want to come on too strong” doesn’t meld with our high-communication world. When you have a date on the books set days in advance, simply showing up after quiet won’t work. YOU MUST CHECK IN. Check in is genderless; it’s not about pursuit or interest. A pre-date text check in shows you seek confidence in your own calendar and want to give them confidence, too. Remember:

• CHECK IN THE DAY BEFORE A DATE, early in the day. Try the text frame: “Looking forward to tomorrow.” Your match should offer (at least) a thumbs up. Boom! Date confirmed.
• If time got away from you and you want clarity on a date the day of, send a text as early in the day as possible with this frame: “Looking forward to seeing you soon.”
• If you don’t confirm the date, it may not happen, especially if planned some time ago. Don’t stand people up or confuse them! Confirm instead.
• If you RUN LATE, inform your match. This is vital, not optional. If you’re in traffic and can’t text, matchmakers recommend pulling over at your next safe opportunity to update your match with an ETA. Then get moving again.