7 minute read –
The Illusion of Almost-Love
You meet someone. The chemistry is intoxicating. You talk until 2 a.m., share playlists, laugh like teenagers, and feel like you’ve known them for lifetimes. It feels like something… but it’s not something, not exactly. It doesn’t have a title. It lacks clarity. You’re caught in what psychologists and modern romantics alike call a situationship.
A situationship is a space between friendship and a committed relationship, often ambiguous, sometimes euphoric, occasionally heartbreaking. It might feel like a slow burn to something deeper, or a prolonged detour from the love you deserve.
So, how do you know when it’s time to stay and nurture what could be or walk away and reclaim your peace?
Well.. we might have some answers for you.
8 Ways To Sort Through The Confusion
Recognize the Emotional Rollercoaster: Are You in a Loop of Highs and Lows?
Psychologically, one of the key red flags of a situationship is emotional inconsistency. According to Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, the brain in love often mimics addiction. The dopamine spikes from attention or affection followed by the sudden withdrawal of it can create a craving cycle.
Ask yourself:
- Do I feel like I’m chasing validation more than I’m receiving love?
- Am I constantly checking my phone, over-analyzing texts, or justifying their lack of effort?
Conscious dating begins with recognizing patterns. If you feel elated one moment and anxious the next, you might be bonding through emotional volatility, not genuine intimacy.
Tool: The Self-Check Mirror Every week, ask yourself: “How do I feel after spending time with them?” If the answer is more confusion than clarity, it’s time to pause.
The Absence of Forward Motion
A relationship, even in its early stages, should show signs of growth. Not necessarily toward marriage or cohabitation immediately, but toward deeper connection, understanding, and reciprocity.
Jay Shetty often speaks about the importance of “intentional love.” He says, “People who are serious about you will not keep you in confusion.”
Situationships often lack these markers:
- Planning for the future (even short-term)
- Introducing you to friends/family
- Willingness to define the connection
If you’re months in and still wondering what you are, chances are… this is what it is.
Tool: The Timeline Test Write down key moments and timeframes:
- When you met
- When you started becoming intimate
- When you last talked about your connection
Now ask: Is this timeline reflective of mutual investment or prolonged vagueness?
You’re Doing All the Emotional Labor
Conscious love is co-created. If you’re the one initiating all the conversations, deep talks, emotional check-ins, and plans to hang out, there’s an imbalance.
In psychology, this is known as caretaker fatigue or emotional overfunctioning. You take on more than your fair share of the relational workload because you care deeply or hope they’ll eventually match your effort.
Be Mindful: Love shouldn’t be earned. It should be returned.
Wisdom Nugget: Love doesn’t ask you to become less of yourself to fit inside someone else’s uncertainty.
Tool: The Energy Inventory Over a week, note:
- Who initiated the last five conversations?
- Who planned the last three hangouts?
- Who opened up emotionally most recently? If it’s 80/20 or more, you’re overfunctioning.
You’re Holding On to Potential, Not Reality
Here’s a truth bomb: You’re not dating their potential. You’re dating who they are showing up as now. Neuroscience shows we create mental “scripts” or projections of who we want someone to be, rather than seeing them clearly. This is dangerous because it keeps us emotionally invested in what could be, not what is. The key is to stop manifesting their potential and start observing their patterns.
Tool: The Reality List
Write two columns:
- Who I think they could be
- Who they have consistently shown me they are
Seeing it in black and white often clears the fog.
You Don’t Feel Safe to Be Fully Yourself
This is a big one. Authentic love requires vulnerability. If you feel like you need to hide your needs, downplay your desires, or suppress your feelings to “keep them around,” you’re not in a safe space.
Psychologist Dr. Nicole LePera says, “True intimacy is when we can express our truth without fear of abandonment.”
If you’re constantly walking on eggshells, it’s not love, it’s performance, and love doesn’t grow there.
Tool: The Safety Score
On a scale of 1-10, rate:
- How safe you feel expressing your feelings
- How often you feel emotionally seen
- How often you feel like you can be your full self Anything under 7 in these categories is a red flag.
Your Needs Are Always Put on Hold
In conscious relationships, needs are met with curiosity and compassion, not resistance. If every time you express a need, it gets labeled as “too much,” “needy,” or “dramatic,” you’re being gaslit into self-abandonment. If you have to shrink to stay, it’s time to go.
Tool: The Needs Audit
List your top 3 emotional needs. Then ask: Have they shown willingness to meet them, even partially? Or do they dismiss, minimize, or ignore them?
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You Keep Having the Same Conversation
Communication is only effective when both people want to grow from it. If you keep circling the same discussion without progress, it’s not a relationship; it’s a monologue with an audience. It takes two people who want to heal, grow, and build. One person can’t build a bridge alone. If you’re not on the same page with what you want out of the connection, it’s time to let go.
Tool: The Conversation Log
Go back through your texts or journal:
- Highlight repeated themes and unaddressed concerns
- Ask yourself: Are my needs evolving or just echoing
You Stay Because You’re Afraid of Starting Over
Sometimes, we stay not because it’s right but because starting over feels terrifying. We romanticize the time invested, the shared memories, the almosts. But remember: Time spent doesn’t justify time wasted.
The fear of starting over is often just fear of being with yourself. But being alone is not the same as being lonely. In fact, walking away from misaligned connections is one of the most powerful acts of self-love.
Wisdom Nugget: Don’t let the fear of being alone convince you to stay somewhere you’re already lonely.
Tool: The Future Self Letter
Write a letter from your future self one year from now. What do they thank you for? What do they regret you tolerated? What joy did they find after walking away?
Closing Thoughts From The Professional Dating & Relationship Coaches At Sophy Love: Have the courage to choose clarity; choose yourself.
Situationships thrive in the grey areas. However, conscious dating asks you to bring your light into the shadows. To ask the hard questions. To be radically honest with yourself. To prioritize peace over potential. To show up authentically and speak your truth. Walking away isn’t giving up on love. It’s creating space for real love to find you. Love that doesn’t confuse you. Love that meets you where you are. Love that stays.
You deserve the kind of connection that doesn’t require guessing. The kind of love that speaks your name with certainty. The kind of relationship where both people are on the same page and genuinely value each other as a compatible partner.
So if you’re wondering whether to stay in your situationship, maybe the real question is: Would you choose this version of love for your best friend/ sister/ or brother?
If the answer is no, then maybe it’s time to choose something else.
Something higher.
Something whole.
And above all, something real.
