The Silent Killers of Your Love Life: How Expectations and Assumptions Keep You Single

The Expectation Trap: Love Should Be a Script, Right?

Expectations are the unwritten rules you believe someone should follow in order to be “right” for you. They sound like:

• They should text me back within an hour.
• They should just know what I need without me having to ask.
• They should want the same things I do at the exact same time.
• They should be emotionally available, but not too available (because that’s desperate, right?).

The problem? Love doesn’t work like filling up your grocery cart with all the items necessary. When you enter a date (or a situationship) with a predetermined set of expectations, you’re not meeting a person, you’re meeting a checklist. And the minute they don’t check a box? You start pulling back, feeling disappointed or worse, convinced they were “just another waste of time.”

Expectations set you up for failure because they make you blind to what’s actually in front of you. Instead of getting curious about who this person really is, you’re too busy measuring them against a fantasy version in your head. And if we’re being brutally honest? Your expectations often have nothing to do with what will actually make you happy, they’re just a collection of past wounds, social conditioning, and relationship advice you picked up from TikTok.

The Assumption Spiral: “They Must Be Thinking…”

If expectations are your internal rulebook, assumptions are the stories you tell yourself about why people act the way they do.

• He didn’t text today? He’s probably losing interest.
• She said she’s not looking for anything serious? She must secretly want something but just needs the right guy to convince her.
• They canceled plans last minute? They don’t respect my time.

Assumptions are your ego’s way of filling in the gaps when you don’t have all the information. Instead of asking what’s going on, you assume. Instead of observing patterns over time, you jump to conclusions. And instead of seeing things for what they are, you project your past experiences onto someone new.

When you live in a world of assumptions, you become hyper-reactive. You start acting based on what you think is happening, rather than what’s actually happening. You ghost too fast. You get defensive when there was no reason to be. You punish someone for something an ex did. And let’s be real—assumptions are almost never correct. They’re just fears in disguise.

Why We Do This: The Safety Illusion

Here’s the kicker: Expectations and assumptions aren’t just random habits. They’re deeply wired into us because they create the illusion of control. Dating is uncertain, and uncertainty is uncomfortable. So, instead of surrendering to the experience and seeing where things go, we try to control the outcome by pre-labeling what’s “acceptable” and what’s not.

We tell ourselves that if someone fits our expectations, we’ll be safe. That if we assume the worst, we won’t get hurt. That if we cut people off before they disappoint us, we’ll avoid heartbreak. But in reality? This mindset is exactly what keeps us single. Because love isn’t about control—it’s about connection. And connection can only happen when you stop gripping so tightly and allow yourself to actually experience another human being.

The Secret to Breaking Free (This is Where It Gets Good)

So how do you actually undo these deeply ingrained patterns? Here’s what no one tells you:

1. Drop the Checklists and Start Collecting Data

Instead of going into dates looking for someone who fits, go in with the mindset of a researcher. Get curious. Who are they? How do they respond to different situations? How do they treat people? Seek to understand, to see from a different perspective, and not automatically assume the worst or negative thoughts about a stranger. Real compatibility isn’t about someone ticking all your boxes—it’s about whether your values and life rhythms genuinely align over time.

2. Ask, Don’t Assume

If something feels off, say it. If you’re unsure, ask. If you don’t understand, get clarity. Successful daters show up as their authentic self.  A relationship isn’t built on mind-reading. It’s built on conversations. When in doubt, trade your assumptions for direct, open-ended questions. If you’re looking for great tools to do this successfully, check out the book Authentic Relating: A Guide to Rich, Meaningful, Nourishing Relationships.

3. Detach from the Outcome

The most powerful shift you can make? Stop treating dating like a means to an end. Let go of the pressure to find “the one” on every date. Instead, treat every interaction as an experience. Start going on dates with different types of people, expand your comfort zone and learn something new about how you really feel, and how someone else can make you feel.  When you release the need for an immediate result, you become more present. And ironically, that presence is exactly what makes real connection possible.

4. Learn to Sit in Uncertainty

Discomfort doesn’t mean danger. Just because something is unknown doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Love requires a level of risk. Perfection doesn’t exist, and no one is going to fill in all the gaps in your life. Seek to understand perspectives and appreciate the fact that you are here to connect with another human being. Gratitude is powerful, and the energy of that is incredibly magnetic. When you feel yourself grasping for control—whether through expectations, assumptions, or overanalyzing—pause. Breathe. Let things unfold. The right relationship won’t need to be forced.

The Love You Want is Already Waiting

You know what the irony of dating is? The more you try to control it, the harder it gets. The more you let go, the more naturally love flows.

Your person isn’t going to arrive in a nice little wrapped-up amazon package, on your perfect timeline, saying all the perfect things. They’re going to show up as a messy, beautiful, flawed human—just like you. So drop the script. Ditch the assumptions. Start experiencing, instead of evaluating. Because the second you do.. that’s when the magic actually happens.